“Animals don’t watch porn do they? Unless you include my cat.” – Frankie Boyle
“From what I understand about child birth, it changes you ‘downstairs’. I like my downstairs the way it is thank you very much. I certainly don’t need an extension.” – Sarah Millican
“Foreplay is like beefburgers – three minutes on each side.” – Victoria Wood
“Do I believe in safe sex? Of course I do. I have a handrail around the bed.” – Ken Dodd
“Better sexy and racy, than sexist and racist.” – Stephen Fry
“When I was 11, my mum gave me a lecture about cunnilingus. I look back as an adult and I think, ‘Oh, she obviously wanted to empower me to find my own pleasure.’ It had the exact opposite effect – there is no way you can enjoy yourself with a man between your legs if you’re thinking, ‘Hmm, Mum’d be proud.’” – Sara Pascoe
“I’m going out with an English teacher, which is a bit awkward because she keeps correcting my grammar during sex. She’s particularly annoyed at my improper use of the colon.” – Gary Delaney
“As a teenager I was confused that there was lots of different words for ‘sex’. I thought each of the words for ‘sex’ meant something distinct. I thought there were many more different kinds of sex things that I was going to have to get my head around before I became an adult. But then I realised that most of them referred to the same sort of basic penis penetration stuff. And that’s how I came to understand the richness of the English language.” – David Mitchell
“If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time?” – Billy Connolly
“The thing I don’t get about paedophilia… Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?” – Frankie Boyle