“I thought Coq au Vin was love in a lorry.” – Victoria Wood
“Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with, ‘I can’t talk now, I’m going into a tunnel.’” – Jimmy Carr
“I went to the zoo to watch the monkeys w***ing. Then I went to watch the crocodiles. I was still w***ing.” – Gary Delaney
“Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you.” – Billy Connolly
“Sex is like playing Bridge – if you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.” – Peter Kay
“You should only have sex with a famous person if you really, really genuinely want to tell people about it afterwards.” – Sara Pascoe
“The annoying thing about Christmas is running out of batteries because the kids want them for their toys. I’m sorry, but if Christmas is coming – so am I.” – Sarah Millican
“A Christian friend of mine said that sex between two men is wrong in their eyes. I said, ‘You’re right, it’s supposed to be up the bum!'” – Gary Delaney
“Las Vegas and Glasgow have a lot in common: they’re the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips.” – Frankie Boyle
“One sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears. Personally, I think it’s b***ocks.” – Billy Connolly
“What do you call a video of two toads having sex? Frogspawn.” – David Ephgrave
“I went to buy a Christmas tree. The guy goes, ‘So you can put it up yourself?’ I said, ‘No, I was thinking the living room.” – Gary Delaney
“I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at the World Cup – just happy to be there.” – Russell Howard
“Not all sexual experiences have to be filled with anger. Just all in my experience.” – David Mitchell
“My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.” – Jimmy Carr